7th June 2019 Sam Taylor

Blog Post by: Ellie Poole, Current Student

Our Must-read comical house mates evaluator 😉

So you have accepted your offer for university. You have begun your IKEA haul of pots, pans, smoothie makers and fancy cooking equipment that you will probably never use. If you are anything like 90% of the UK’s university student population, you will be surviving on a straight diet of tinned and microwaveable foods that have no nutritional benefit for the next three years. And if you are the 10% exception to this, congratulations! You are already adulting better than I am.

Now all of that is sorted, you’re next concern is probably your future social endeavours and the people you will be thrown together with to accompany you on this tumultuous journey of partying, studying, and learning to live with 3 week old dirty dishes. You’re university hall housemates! For many future students, the prospect of living away from home and with new people can be both exciting and nerve wracking. I have always thought the first year of university to be somewhat reminiscent of a scientific social experiment, in which the person conducting the experiment simply throws a group of young people together, always a mix of different characters, throws some alcohol into the mix, and awaits the results. But don’t panic, these results often end up with a wide catalogue of funny memories, ludicrous stories, and some of the best friends you’ll ever meet. So let us begin, here are all of the types of housemates you will meet at university.

  1. The Extrovert / Social Butterfly

Everyone loves a big personality and the life they bring to every party. During freshers week, they’ll probably bring forth all the social and drinking games, and be everyone’s best friend by the end of the week. Further into the year they’ll be out on society socials with societies they aren’t even part of and with people you’ve never even seen before. Prepare for 10 minute long snapchat stories!

2. The Elusive One / The Phantom Flatmate

You definitely met this person when you moved in, however you begin to question this as day after day goes by and they’re presence in the communal area seems to have ceased. They haven’t quite gone a Lady Havisham level of reclusiveness as you often pass them on the way to your lectures. However after three days of them not leaving your room, the only conclusion one can draw is that they have enough food stored in their room for the apocalypse.

3. The Flat Mother  / Sensible Soul

The flat mother is a lovingly given title and an essential member of the house. Often the flat mother is also branded as the neat freak, but due to their necessary presence in the house due to their war against dirty surfaces and E. Coli, don’t mess with them! They’re stern words will hit as hot and fast as your own mother’s.

4. The Messy One

The messy one is the polar opposite to the flat mother. However I feel referring to your flatmates as the “Flat Baby” may grind their gears a little. The messy one’s true nature may not become clear in the beginning, but as soon as the bread that resembles extra-terrestrial life begins appearing in their area of the kitchen on more than one occasion, you’ll figure out who it is. They’re room will probably be a health and safety hazard, so only enter with the greatest of caution.

5. The Night Walkers

In larger accommodations, you’ll probably find that there are multiple nightwalkers. And they will probably end up befriending each other in order to participate in their strange nocturnal activities together. You can guarantee to find the nightwalker on your late night snack trips, but don’t expect to see them before three o’clock in the afternoon.

6. The Thief / The Borrower

Oh yes. The tales you have heard about disappearing food in communal kitchens is very much true, but probably not as bad as you’ve been told. There will be times where everyone, yes even you, will be the thief. But a drop of milk for your morning cup of coffee should be a mild enough occurence that your friends will let it slide. However the thief, will be meticulous and regular in their crimes. You could’ve sworn that there is no reasonable possibility that you could finish a whole block of cheese in one day, but your fridge shelf is cheeseless. And god forbid they actually ask you to borrow something, just accept that fact it will in fact be taken to their grave.

7. Last Minute Larry

Last Minute Larry, also known as Procrastination Polly, is probably a fairly self explanatory title for one of the housemates that you are bound to meet. Whilst you’re in your room slaving away over an essay, you glance out your window and there is Last Minute Larry lying on the grass, relaxing with the sheep. Frustration becomes you. However that screaming you can hear late into the night before deadline day? Just know that justice has been served.

8. The Group Chat Grouch

The angry note writer at university is a tale as old as time, however with the ever evolving technological age I believe the Group Chat Grouch is a much more fitting title for this housemate. The house group chat seems like a great idea when you first move in, you guys can discuss all of the night’s out and events you plan to go to, share memes, and just have general chit-chat. But then it suddenly becomes a venting machine for one particular housemate. Did you forget to take your bin out? Expect a message from the Grouch. Leave a single spoon on the side? Here comes the message from the Grouch. Are you playing music past 9pm? Yes, you guessed it.


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